Ah Nastenka i\u015fe yaramaz y\u00fczy\u0131lday\u0131m. G\u00fcvensiz da\u011flarday\u0131m. Kendi d\u00fcnyam\u0131n in\u015fas\u0131nda h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc yerlere var\u0131rken,s\u00f6zde maneviyat\u0131m\u0131 bir s\u00fcreli\u011fine kendime kan\u0131tl\u0131yorum. Eskiye d\u00f6nerken,kendime soruyorum : Nerede d\u00fc\u015flerim ? Ve ge\u00e7mi\u015f bana ac\u0131y\u0131p ,\u015f\u00f6yle diyor : Ne yapt\u0131n bunca sene ? En k\u0131ymetli anlar\u0131n\u0131 nereye gizledin ? Ya\u015fad\u0131n m\u0131 ya\u015famad\u0131n m\u0131 ? Yery\u00fcz\u00fc nas\u0131l da kutupla\u015f\u0131yor yapt\u0131klar\u0131mla. Daha \u00e7ok zamana ihtiyac\u0131m var. Ancak kasvetli yaln\u0131zl\u0131k pe\u015fimi b\u0131rakmayacak,bastonlu,g\u00f6lgeli ya\u015fl\u0131l\u0131k gelecek,pe\u015finden de keder ve bunalt\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Etrafa baksana Nastenka. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

– \u0130\u015fte Dostoyevski Petersburg’un k\u0131ymetli yaln\u0131z sokaklar\u0131nda dola\u015f\u0131rken,so\u011fuyan havayla gelen pe\u015fi s\u0131ra \u015fiddetli r\u00fczgar ona: \u0130\u015fte buradas\u0131n. Oldu\u011fun yerdeki havan\u0131n ahengiyle ritim yaratmak isterken,ans\u0131z\u0131n senin dilinden konu\u015facak,kalbine f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131 yerine \u015fark\u0131lar m\u0131r\u0131ldanacak,uzun zamand\u0131r b\u00fct\u00fcn\u00fcyle arad\u0131\u011f\u0131n sevgi bollu\u011fun seni yan\u0131ltacak.-<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Son karede her \u015fey, de\u011fil mi ? Seni ilk a\u011flarken g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm zaman hisseti\u011fim duygu buydu. Bankta otururken ki a\u011flay\u0131\u015flar\u0131n,beni en \u00fcst d\u00fczeyde son darbeyle y\u0131kt\u0131 Nastenka. Sonras\u0131 bildi\u011fin gibi al\u0131\u015f\u0131lm\u0131\u015f keder…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

-O an Dostoyevski ger\u00e7ekteki \u00e7\u0131\u011fl\u0131klar\u0131 duymay\u0131p,deniz feneri \u0131\u015f\u0131\u011f\u0131 yakarken ki hassasiyetiyle bo\u011fu\u015fup,art\u0131k varamayaca\u011f\u0131 ya\u015fam\u0131 d\u00fc\u015fleyecek.-<\/p>\n\n\n\n

B\u00f6l\u00fcn\u00fcyorum ama senin mutlu oldu\u011funu g\u00f6r\u00fcnce ve istedi\u011fin mektubun yerine ula\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 duyunca,bu b\u00f6l\u00fcnmeler art\u0131k par\u00e7alar halinde birle\u015fiyor. Tarih boyunca her \u015fey de b\u00f6yleydi. Sava\u015flar,devletlerin y\u0131k\u0131l\u0131\u015f ve y\u00fckselme d\u00f6nemleri,ya\u015fam m\u00fccadeleri,ayr\u0131l\u0131k ba\u011flar\u0131,kaybedilen de\u011ferli anlar ve uygun vakitte buldu\u011fumuz mutluluk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

-Dostoyevski yeni yeni ya\u015fam prensiplerin kavramaya ba\u015fl\u0131yordu. Hayalperest ruhu ger\u00e7ekle yan\u0131lan d\u00fc\u015fleri ay\u0131rmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Kendinden emindi. Ona yaln\u0131z g\u00f6r\u00fcnen her \u015fey kalabal\u0131kla\u015f\u0131yordu. Nastenka’n\u0131n hikayesi s\u0131ras\u0131nda kafas\u0131n\u0131 kurcalayan d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnce buydu. Kendine yedirtemedi\u011fi kurallar\u0131,uygulamas\u0131 gerekti\u011fini fark etti.-<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ve kavu\u015ftun Nastenka .Arzulad\u0131\u011f\u0131n,hep yan\u0131nda olmas\u0131n\u0131 istedi\u011fin adam kar\u015f\u0131nda. Sar\u0131l ona ancak bana ay\u0131rd\u0131\u011f\u0131n vakti d\u00fc\u015fleme. Ne kadar da bu kavu\u015fmaya son ko\u015fuda tam saadet an\u0131 diye ifade etsem de,i\u00e7imdeki k\u0131rg\u0131n nokta bu\u011fulanacak Nastenka.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bitmi\u015fti Dostoyevski. Art\u0131k gidebildi\u011fin gecelere \u015f\u00fckretmen umuduyla.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

–<\/em><\/strong>Beyaz Geceler,eskiye d\u00f6nerken yoluma tak\u0131lan hakiki c\u00fcmleler<\/strong><\/em>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Bu bo\u015f hayaller yok,daha sonra hi\u00e7biri hayatta kalm\u0131yor. Sonu\u00e7ta hayaller de hayatta kal\u0131r! Biliyor musunuz ki ben \u015fimdi,bir zamanlar kendi kendime mutlu oldu\u011fum o yerleri hat\u0131rlamay\u0131 ve belli bir s\u00fcre ziyaret etmeyi seviyorum,geri d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015fs\u00fcz bi\u00e7imde ge\u00e7mi\u015f olan\u0131n ahengiyle kendi \u015fimdimi in\u015fa etmeyi seviyorum.”<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"